Trying that new new

I have smoked every day, multiple times a day, with no break or pause or detox in almost 7 years. All I remember from the 16 weeks I was sober, was that I was terribly frightened, alone and suicidal. Because all that I can trace back to that time is my sobriety, I’ve always thought that my extreme depression then was caused by my lack of smoking.

Maybe when the experience was more fresh in my mind, it would be a valid reasoning. But as time has continued on, and I have changed immensely, over and over and over again, I get the feeling that may just be an excuse now.

So I ask myself: why do I smoke weed?

Because my family does. Because it makes me feel at ease. Because it allows me to daydream. Because it eases the pain in my legs and hips. Because I didnt see an issue with it… until now, maybe.

Marijuana is medicinal to me, without a doubt. For emotional, mental and physical health, it can be used as an antidote. And it can also be used too much, to the point where emotions become hazy, thoughts scattered and indirect, and physically slow things down.

If I ask myself, what do I do to control my emotions and my temper? My answer is, I smoke weed.

I dont think that’s good enough. I dont think that’s really an answer at all. I think it can be part of the solution, but as it stands, it’s been my only option and that doesnt seem viable anymore.

With the fact that I can name 13 people who I have exploded on emotionally, uncontrollably, in the recent days/years, shows me I still have a lot of work to do. And maybe clearing the air of all the pot smoke may be a great way to start.

I’m not quitting. I don’t want to quit. But I do want to have control over myself, as in when I smoke… and as in, I dont want to explode anymore. I want to express my feelings properly and in healthy ways, in regular doses.

So I tried today, to hold off on smoking. I got up, I started my day early and by 10:30, I could feel the physical craving hit me. I wanted to sit down and smoke a bowl. My addictive tendencies were telling me to sit back and take a break, let my mind wander off. And it was a struggle to work past those feelings and keep going. I thought to myself more than once, “What do sober people do when they want to take a break?”

I dont smoke cigarettes anymore. And here I am trying to cut back on weed. It’s almost scary to think about what may fill my time. And it’s also scary to think how much of my time has spent smoking and getting lost in a daydream. Which isnt a terrible thing at all. More people should allow themselves time to simply think, and nothing else.

But I have to find better ways to cope with my emotions, my struggles in expressing myself, and now allowing my anger to turn to rage, turn to abusive behaviors that directly effect others. I have to be better than that.

I was hoping I could make it to the weekend before I smoked again. I didnt make it to 5pm. I smoked a bowl at 3pm and soon after, found myself sitting and staring out the window in a daze. It was just that fast. And my productivity dropped, instantly.

*****

Now it’s the next morning and I didnt smoke my usual wake n bake. I didn’t smoke a bowl while driving to work, aimlessly wandering backroads to get another hit in. I brought my lunch to encourage me not to smoke on my break.

My goal for today is to not smoke at all. Even when I get home. I’ll feed the dogs and then find something to do until I go to sleep. And if I have problems sleeping, I’ll take a Tylenol PM. My goal for today is to not smoke at all.

Wish me luck.